my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
