My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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