I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
