Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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