I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
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She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.