Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Two words: blizzard sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.