I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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