Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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