OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
false alarm, still single
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