And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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