Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
