So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
