I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
