Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
