in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
