oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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