I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
