I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
