thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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