Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
