haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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