i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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