dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
