best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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