those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
