Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
