My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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