Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it hurts more in the daytime
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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