If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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