it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
