Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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