my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
