I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
