I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want her autograph on my taint
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
