Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
