I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
