Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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