i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
