At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
