dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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