Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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