I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
