So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
