Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
