Midget sex pt 2 tonight
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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