wakey wakey hands off snakey
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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