The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
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