Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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