This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
