Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
