i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
smell my finger.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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