Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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