I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
