He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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