My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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