I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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