Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
