It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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