she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
