Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
