So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
