Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
