He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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