No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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