I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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